22nd Sunday in Ordinary Time
Jer 20:7-9
Rm 12:1-2
Mt 16:21-27
Do not model yourselves on the behaviour of the world around you, but let your behaviour change, modelled by your new mind. This is the only way to discover the will of God, and know what is good, what it is that God wants, what is the perfect thing to do.
I recently attended a three and a half-day prayer retreat. While I had originally signed up for it with half-formed good intentions to spend more time with God, by the time it actually rolled around, I felt overwhelmed with several commitments (including a parent’s medical appointment halfway through the retreat) and thus completely unprepared.
These negative emotions stayed with me throughout the beginning of the retreat, especially when our leader spoke about how we needed to deepen our relationship with our Lord ‘beyond the usual’ devotional prayers, Mass attendance and ministry activities. I felt almost resentful hearing this, since I already find it quite a struggle to fulfil ‘the usual’ and make time for prayer and adoration (though I probably spend more time talking at God instead of listening to Him) or media content on spirituality (though I don’t really reflect on what I watch/read and sometimes can’t even recall it).
Rebelliously, a little voice at the back of my mind also wondered why I would vigorously seek to grow closer to our Lord. After all, we would still face suffering and sorrow and maybe even more trials, as many saints’ stories have shown us. After all, we would still be weak and flawed individuals who would just tumble down the spiritual mountain of the retreat back to the exhausting routines of our daily lives.
In the meantime, I also felt slightly disconcerted among my fellow retreatants, as many of them seemed pretty experienced in attending retreats and/or comfortable with the expressive praise and worship sessions, while I felt awkward raising my arms a centimetre above my elbows. I began wondering if this was really ‘for me’ or not.
But as always, our Lord knew exactly how I was doing and came to meet me where I was. When we began our first session of adoration, as the Blessed Sacrament was revealed, I was taken aback to sense an immense, intense presence filling the room. It was as if Jesus was rushing out to greet me, already aware of my anxieties and keen to acknowledge them in His loving embrace! My misgivings didn’t entirely disappear though, as (apparently) everyone around me launched into fervent praying and singing, while I just clasped my hands in my usual manner. But as I stared haplessly at my rather small and seemingly inadequate gesture, I somehow felt Jesus place His hands over mine. It was a movingly reassuring moment which stayed with me over the next few days and as I pondered on it in subsequent adoration sessions, it dawned on me anew that God — the Father Almighty, creator of the universe –- cared about me and wanted to have a relationship with me, just as I am, in spite of who I am (or am not).
This was comforting, uplifting and humbling, yet it also made me reflect on how I often seemed to approach God on rather transactional terms – as a stern but understanding Father whose mercy I had to constantly seek, or as an all-powerful all-knowing God whose ways were above mine but from whom I tried to ask for help anyway. Perhaps the state of my faith was just as superficial as our leader described, and if I really wanted to take a more ‘relational’ approach, I needed to focus on God and on being with Him just to be in His presence, instead of what I wanted/needed from Him.
More blessed moments occurred throughout the retreat, maybe the most memorable being a reconnection with an old friend who was familiar with my parents’ medical ailments, and I am ultimately grateful I attended it. But as I look at the list of post-retreat commitments which I only partially fulfilled, I wonder how much I was really ‘transformed by the renewal of (my) mind’.
I suppose this is something I have to keep constantly working on, just as with all our attempts to change our mindsets and habits. After all, we are all works of clay constantly being shaped by our Lord’s loving hand. This image also reminds me that I do not work on my transformation alone, but rely on God’s endless grace and the Holy Spirit’s prompting. But at least I can trust that our loving Lord is more than familiar with the messiness and mistakes, complexities and changes of human relationships. I can also cherish the knowledge that He will always reach out again (and again, and again) to form a relationship with us. How can I not respond (or at least try) to His faithfulness, patience, mercy and generosity?
(Today’s OXYGEN by Jaclyn Lam)
Prayer: Lord, you hold us in the palm of Your hand. We pray for the grace to discern Your presence and the courage to follow Your call to constant conversion. We also pray for the humility, wisdom and perseverance we need to continually renew ourselves in your grace and mercy.
Thanksgiving: Jesus, we thank You for your love and patience. Thank you for the many moments You show us your compassion and for reaching out to us to accompany us on our journey. Help us to stay close to You and to trust in You always.
OXYGEN 
Leave a comment