15 April, Saturday — A State of Unbelief

Easter Saturday

Acts 4:13-21
Mk 16:9-15

He reproached them for their incredulity and their obstinacy…

While writing today’s reflection, I searched the interpretation of ‘unbelief’ and came across a quote by American evangelist, David Wilkerson: “Today, some Christians are content to merely exist until they die. They don’t want to risk anything, to believe God, to grow or mature. They refuse to believe his Word, and have become hardened in their unbelief. Now they’re living just to die.

My word, how that hit home for me. I struggled greatly this past Lent to try and find some meaning for Easter and not only did I not find anything, but I also couldn’t even find the time to just be with Jesus, as he was marched to his death and died on the cross for me. I know this is supposed to be the celebratory week of Easter and technically, I should talk about his rising and overcoming death, but in my heart, I know this is the right thing to talk about. Maybe I am the only one, or maybe there are more of us, who got so caught up with everything that we chose ‘everything’ over Jesus, and it’s killing us. Easter passed by and it feels like we missed the whole message.

This is not to say that I, or any of you who relate to this, don’t believe in God or what He has done for us. For my part, God has done so much for me: He gave me a job at the time when I didn’t know we would be short on finances, He saved me from reckless relationships in the past and gave me a good husband, He completed my family when I despaired in the face of loss. God has been such a generous provider and giver of mercy and blessings in my life, I do not feel I deserve any of it, especially in how I have poorly repaid Him. And so, when I read that quote, I realised that that was me – a Christian who is living just to die – yet deep in my heart, I also know that that is NOT me, for I know that God has plans for me, just that perhaps I am fending Him off saying, “maybe later Lord”. I have reached a stage of unbelief where I have chosen to rely on myself rather than my Saviour, and I am afraid of the uncertainty of letting God take over, wanting to know how everything will pan out and what the ending is going to be. My unbelief is limiting God’s work in my own life, and the grace He so wants to bestow upon me, which I am staunchly refusing.

I felt so empty leading up to Easter, and this day, on Easter Sunday as I write this, I have come to the Lord, lifting my tears to Him, because I have run out of road. I don’t know how to move forward from here, as I can’t see the solutions to my problems, but I do know that I don’t want to ‘just exist’. I want to live, to serve Him in all that I do and give Him the glory that He deserves and that is due. I want to find joy in Him and because of Him, because He is the reason that I am alive. Easter is about living, about life conquering death! My ‘just existing’ is a form of living death, and I don’t want to do that anymore. And I don’t want my children to see that and one day do the same thing too. I want to let God back into my life to take away my unbelief. This Easter Octave, I choose life.

(Today’s OXYGEN by Annette Soo)

Prayer: Lord, I don’t know where I’m running and which way I should be going; all I know is that I want to run to you. Lord, I want to live and I believe in you, for you are the way, the truth, the LIFE.

Thanksgiving: Blessed be God forever! He who is the reason I am alive, who loves and provides unconditionally, lovingly. I am a sinner, but you sent your only Son to die for me, and for that I have life. Thank you, Lord, for showing me that it is a life worth living if it is lived for You. 

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