20 November, Wednesday — The fear of failure

Wednesday of Week 33 in Ordinary Time

Apo 4:1-11
Luke 19:11-28

“I put it away safely … for I was afraid of you, for you are an exacting man…”

As I write this, we are 2 weeks away from Thanksgiving. Having never grown up in America, my experience of Thanksgiving has been a contentious one. I’ve been ‘game planning’ for it this year since Labour Day. Right now, my freezer and pantry are filled with the building blocks that will become this year’s dinner – stocks made from scratch, flaky pastry for the pumpkin pie, dry brine and glaze for the turkey. The family I married into is as American as baseball and apple pie, but I… I am as Asian as dim sum. I won’t sugar-coat it. The cultural dissonance has been challenging. But Thanksgiving is first and foremost, a family reunion dinner, and on that, both our cultures seem to have found some common ground.

The first few Thanksgiving dinners I cooked did not go well at all. I was new to the country and new to the family. I am strong-minded and so, I had my own ideas about what the meal should look like. I’d say my first efforts were a resounding failure if you believe the family’s criticisms. It got to a point where I stopped making family dinner altogether, because family are your harshest critics and they can be unkind with their delivery of it. This is even more so if like me, you’re a foreigner and aren’t familiar with all the traditions and cultural nuances you married into. I felt there was little upside in trying, because they didn’t seem interested in me succeeding. So that’s what I did. I stopped trying.

But the fact is… I love to cook. It is one of my gifts, one of the few things that brings me and others joy. I like to cook so much that when it came to picking my confirmation saint, I chose St Martha, the strong-minded sister of Mary, the woman who took it upon herself to feed the apostles. It’s one thing to go on strike because you’re afraid of failure and tired of the criticism. It’s a whole other level of pain when you deny yourself the thing that is you, the thing that brings you joy.

So this year, I have decided to rewrite the narrative. I have decided to take on Thanksgiving again but this time, I am doing it because God gave this gift to me. To ME. If He thinks I am worthy of it, then I shouldn’t hide it away because I’m afraid of criticism. This year, I will embrace the joy of the preparation, the stress of the execution and the exhilaration of putting together a wonderful family reunion dinner. This year, I will not let anyone steal my joy. This year, I will not be afraid.

(Today’s OXYGEN by Sharon Soo)

Prayer: We pray for all families, that as they come together for the holidays, they will remember to be kind to each other. The small stuff is not worth sweating over.  

Thanksgiving: We give thanks for our gifts. May we use them as God intended for us to do.