26 March, Wednesday — Bucket Lists    

Wednesday of the 3^rd Week of Lent

Deu 4:1,5-9
Mt 5: 17-19

“…observe them, and they will demonstrate to your peoples your wisdom and understanding.”

It’s very ‘on trend’ to talk about ‘happiness’ it seems. All the young are doing it. It’s become all about ‘speaking my truth’, pursuing ‘my happiness’, letting go of ‘what no longer serves me’, ‘manifesting’ or ‘self-actualizing’. All these big words, signifying what exactly? No one has ever given me a good explanation.

I turn 50 this year. To most, it’s a milestone birthday. Everyone says that to me. To make the people around me happy, I smile politely and nod as they tell me all the things I should be doing at my age, things I should be crossing off my ‘bucket list’. I have no bucket list, I want to say, but that would prolong the conversation. I want to say to them, that the ‘things’ I want at 50, cannot be had quite so easily, or crossed off a list. But they wouldn’t get it.

At 50, I feel less certain of myself, than I did at 20, that other milestone of a birthday. I had a list then. A pretty long one too. I find that lists have an ‘arrogance’ to them. As if we had any control over what happens to us. At 50, I no longer think about all the things that I will do, or all the things I will reach for. I no longer talk or think about ‘self-actualizing’ or ‘manifesting’ or what makes me happy or what I need to achieve to be happy. At 50, I am glad simply to end the day peacefully with my husband and my dog. I am happy when my family is safe. I am grateful for the simple things, like when the rain falls not too hard, or when the wind is just right and the sun is shining. I am grateful for the roof over my head. I am grateful we have our health. I am grateful for every day that we get to be together. Life has simplified, and I am grateful for that too.

At 50, my relationship with God has also changed. In my youth, I would pray a litany of requests. At 50, there’s no point asking anymore. God already knows what is needed and what He wants for me to do, and I suppose in some way, I know it too. I am just fearful of whether I have the strength to take it on. At 50, I pray for fortitude, wisdom, prudence and endurance. I ask for rules, for guardrails, for guidance. For Him to show me the way and for the grace to walk it. Old age is coming for me, and for my family, and I fear it. I know it’s going to be a battle, and I fear it. Everyone tells me, just give it to God and it will be fine. I want to say, yes that’s all well and good, but God’s work is done by human hands and this human… this human has grown old. This human sees her frailty, her fallibility. Life has happened to her, experience has made her wary. This human has learned.  

“But take care what you do and be on your guard. Do not forget the things your eyes have seen, nor let them slip from your heart all the days of your life” – Deuteronomy 4:9

(Today’s OXYGEN by Sharon Soo)

Prayer: We pray for God’s guidance, for wisdom, endurance, fortitude and clarity, as we embark on the next stage of our lives. No more in the blush of youth, or given to youthful exuberance, we pray for God to sustain us, and keep us safe from our fears.

Thanksgiving: We give thanks for the Holy Spirit, our conscience, our wisdom, our moral compass.